Today I finally figured this is my 4th Christmas without you and not my third as I thought. How could I have gotten that wrong? I suppose I see you being gone 3 and a bit years but of course there was that first birthday, first Halloween and first Christmas the year you left us in 2014 before we got to our first Easter and first Angelversary without you.
Now we’re on our 4th Christmas, my 3rd with my new grandchild and my 2nd with my new partner.
It was an easier Christmas taken over by Leigh being 2 years and 10 months and understanding the whole Santa Claus thing (how terrible that we explained Christmas as Santa Claus and being good and receiving presents and not Our Lords Son being born even though we tell him all the time that Órla and grandad live with Holy God in heaven).
I thought this year I was in a much better place to spread the Christmas cheer and participated in gift buying & wrapping etc with my immediate family. I even thought about sending Christmas cards to the important people in my life, i mulled over whether it should be a photo of Órla as a remembrance of her at this time then decided it was best to buy angel cards that supported Cystic Fibrosis. Happy with my choice when it came to writing them it just didn’t seem right, how could I write happy or merry when I’m without my child. I decided to pack them away for another year. With so many people choosing to donate to charities rather than waste money on postage it seems less obvious this year. In fact since I stopped sending cards since Órla passed at Christmas 2014 I have received less and less cards anyway, my sum total this year was 4 cards.
I seem to be surrounded by advertisements on TV for Pokémon this and Pokémon that, everywhere I look I see Pokémon plush toys and t-shirts readily available, it makes me think how far in advance of Christmas 2013 I had to order Pokémon for Órla as I had to order from America, China and Japan but the look on her little face when she opened her gifts was priceless. Thankfully I took some video of our last Christmas with her which I can look at whenever I choose. Thank goodness for modern technology.
She was such a tomboy and loved Pokémon and Sonic the hedgehog and video games but her favorite color was still pink and purple. She used to follow YouTube and in particular this gamer called Stampy. In fact when she was asked by the charity Make A Wish she asked to meet Stampy.
Unfortunately she passed away quicker than we thought and never got to meet him. I decorated her coffin with Stampy and Pokémon pictures I’m sure she would have been pleased. I also named my new hamster Stampy, it’s like I’m still trying to keep her with me all the time.
Anyway Christmas is over now as I try to finish this post. We got through it and I think in some parts we may have even enjoyed bits of it.
Miss you terrible my darling, love you to the moon and back.
Till we meet again
XXX
Losingórlarose 